Living With Postpartum Depression – The Book

If we are lucky enough to realise we might be suffering from postpartum depression, one of the first things we may do, is to search online; seeking out a list of symptoms that may aid us in our diagnosis. And yes, the listed terms synonymous with PND may prompt us to seek further help, but they do very little in describing what life is like with depression. They do even less to wrap a comforting, supportive arm around us, letting us know many of our day-to-day behaviours are caused by the illness.

The validation and reprieve we seek in order to cleanse the shame and guilt associated with mental illness is hard to find in the ‘classic’ symptoms of depression. Sadness and apathy relate little to the immensity and vast, insidious nature of postnatal depression; infecting mothers as if from their soul, warping every thought they have.

There Is More To The Postnatal Monster Than Meets The eye

No, these standard issue symptoms don’t cut it. Postnatal depression cannot be surmised in 8 bullet points and a frightening thought of ‘hurting my baby’ – a symptom for sure, yet one that places fear in mothers. Admitting to needing help will be seen as admitting she cannot look after her baby, or worse, the baby will be taken away – a very real intrusive thought for many mothers who battle with their mental health.

These symptoms, dark and gloomy, rightly so, give off an air of just that; a dark and depressed mother. Whereas the reality of postnatal depression for a lot of mothers is that they are a high functioning human within society. Working full time jobs, being maid, carer, nurse, chef and chauffer, amongst being themselves. A depressed mother is not so easily spotted unless she wants you to see it – or she may not even know she has PND, due to its gradual and crafty enveloping of one’s mind.

Where on that symptom list does it describe what life really looks like for a mother, a mother who watches her life crumble around her since giving birth? How did it get to that point and why? Sadness, malaise, apathy, sure. But where on the generic symptom list is sex aversion? Crippling body image and demolished self-worth? Where are the rage-filled screams of a mother crushing under the weight of parenting in a judgemental, elitist and social media falsity fuelled world?

Life With Postnatal Depression

I was a mother crippled on the inside by postnatal depression. My head filled with toxic thoughts of how I was failing my daughter, mentally damaging her and setting myself up to be the worst type of role model for a child – so I believed. I aligned myself with suffering with postnatal depression within the first year of giving birth, but it took far longer – several years – to voice how I truly felt. To speak the common symptoms of PND many feel, yet few express for fear of shame, guilt or feeling like a ‘freak’ of a mother, so alone, the only one wishing away months of their baby’s life.

For me, postnatal depression went far deeper than any of the symptoms online could ever encompass. The illness took my mind, ripped it out, and placed some form of suspicious, illogical and numb demon at the helm. I lost my mind and my temper. I lost any trust I had in my partner and friends. I lost years of loving my daughter. I lost myself.

Many mothers do.

I don’t want to rewrite the symptom list of PND, but I do want to elaborate on them. Put them in a real-world context and show exactly what this hidden illness does to a mother, her baby and her family. As real and as honest as possible. For my reality, is the reality of postnatal depression – the world that cannot be found in the 8 bullet points online. As such, mothers are made to feel alone, ‘odd’ or unable to voice their internal monologue, as they battle a mind that goes far beyond the list placed in front of her.

Not All Mothers Love Their Baby (Well, not straight away at least) By Kirsty Mac – is my journey through postnatal depression. All of it. Every thought. Every breakdown. Every insecurity and mental lashing I endured, I placed them all on paper. Each page is deeply personal as I relive rage screaming at my newborn baby, pushing her away in utter despair and frustration. On others, I go back to breakdowns that happened when my mind prevented my partner from touching me, as I rocked back and forth wailing I was broken and he should leave me, take the baby and save themselves. I delve back into the mind of postnatal depression and all the, wrong, warped intrusive thoughts it fed me, for years. Feeling like a failure, a toxic mother, unworthy, ugly and, at points, suicidal in my pain.

I share it because that was my life. The truth. The reality of living with postnatal depression. And sadly, as the messages fill my inbox, it is not only my story. Rather a story that many mothers, and fathers, relate with. I share the most gut punching, awful memories no mother wishes to endure, to help others feel less alone. To know there is far more to postnatal depression than many people express.

I hope we continue to smash the stigma surrounding mental illness. And I hope we continue to feel supported enough that we can all express how we truly feel and chip away at some of the mental weight we need not carry.