The Problem with Personal Boundaries… Is You.

There is a lot of buzz on social media in regard to ‘personal boundaries’. Which, unless you’ve somehow managed to scroll them by quicker than the obscene number of adverts offering a whole host of weird and wonderful items for your home that you didn’t know you needed – a slinky and manoeuvrable radiator cleaner!! I’ll take it – then I am fairly sure we all been bombarded via social media as to what a boundary actually is.

Buuut, just in case you are a scroll ninja, then a personal boundary is a mental or physical limit/line or rule that we put in place in order to protect our mental health, or ourselves in general.

Sounds utterly delicious doesn’t it. No need to speak to that asshat who you find rude insulting and utterly demoralising. No need to attend that birthday party when you know it will ignite anxiety or fuel the body image concerns that you have been working so hard to quash. No need to engage with relatives who make you feel less than or, to be blunt, abuse you.

Boundaries are wonderful. There to protect and serve you. Defined by you. Enforced by you. Determined by only you.

Or are they?

So What’s the Boundary Problem? 

The problem with boundaries are they are often misunderstood; by those that create them. And by those on the receiving end of them.

Like pretty much anything do to with one’s self, boundaries can be viewed as selfish. The epitome of serving your self at the ‘cost’ of others. Wanting, no, NEEDING, to create a boundary more than likely means something has got to give, it must change in order for the boundary to be placed. Reducing a workload, lets say that of a mother, can fill her with guilt, shame and frustration. This bullshit narrative we place on parents, the suffocating ‘doers of all, Martyr Mothers’ only serves to build humans who feel that cannot ask for space or help, else they are failing, else they are selfish.

When I had my second child, after struggling for years at the helm of postnatal depression, the first boundary enforced was ‘Mum comes first’. Above all else. One of the best ways to make sure Mum was mental healthy, was to ensure she never dwelled in the camp of sleep deprivation for longer than necessary. As I type those words, remembering how many naps I took, how many meals I did not cook, how many times I leaned upon my tired partner for support, I can feel the words of justification want to jump form my fingers and into the screen. As a mother not being the archetypal ‘Mother’ is does, right now, make me feel as I failed. To feel as though I took an easy way out or I became lazy, took advantage of my partner’s goodwill, or that I didn’t try hard enough, or have a hold of my mental health strong enough that I could endure a year of sleep deprivation.

Boundaries Are Not Selfish

And therein lies the problem with boundaries – within that individual. The inner turmoil and worry of how others will perceive you. The feeling of wanting to justify our actions. To have others tell us that it is more than OK to create and enforce that boundary. We seek approval and admiration from others so fucking much, that looking after our own self comes with conflict. So we people please while putting our self under more and more strain, while we really ought to be saying “No”.

While the path to creating and enforcing a boundary doesn’t require an explanation to everyone, there needs to be some back and forth with some lines in the sand you have drawn. It is very well that I state I will not be breaking my back to be the ‘perfect mother’, but this came with a conversation with my partner. After a very definitive “I need sleep and I don’t care if you need to call in sick to work to make that happen” I will admit. However, this boundary was very much a mutual understanding, backed by my own respect and value for my happiness and well-being. So yes, that was a relatively easy boundary to put in place.

But when it comes to ramming up those barriers towards other people, things become a bit trickier. Often there is a monumental mental fight before the boundary is placed. Worry of offending or upsetting others swirl, while that fucking annoying side of the brain tries to diminish and pretty much gaslight yourself into believing that “it isn’t that bad” – meanwhile you’ve had to scrape yourself off the ceiling for the umpteenth time after socialising with that certain someone.

The Boundary Weight

You can feel selfish, over the top, dramatic, unempathetic, harsh, cruel and an utter bitch for your thoughts and wants. Life seems easier to stay with the status-quo, continue on after a break from that particular irritant. It wasn’t so bad goes that little voice in the head. You only need to endure it for a short while, goes the other. But neither of them are true. Sure the situation may be short lived, what follows after will not be so short, or less painful.

Often when someone spends time with those who insult, belittle, verbally or emotionally abuse them, the victim ruminates on the words spoken for days, if not weeks. Creating a hurt and tired mind, seeping into and infecting their happiness and well-being. Knowing they are hurt, yet unable to make sense of it all. The mind often trying to find reason to the circumstance – “maybe it was on off day”, “maybe I am too sensitive”, “maybe I upset them”, “maybe if I just kept my mouth shut”.

How about: maybe if that person wasn’t such a monumental psychological diagnosis waiting to happen, then you would not have been hurt.

You cannot fix other people. I’d be more inclined to also say that you cannot ‘highlight’ to other people the ways in which they hurt you – for some people it is far too ingrained requiring professional help for you to ‘fix’, and so many people are oblivious. Or cannot understand why you are ‘so upset’. We are all  walking bags of issues. We all have our own story and road travelled to make us who we are, so I throw no stones or disrespect.

What I do throw is a big olde, steel enforced, ‘get to fuck away from my psyche’ boundary up against them.

You’ll Need The Boundary of Not Explaining Your Boundary, to Make a Successful Boundary

And I won’t explain nor justify it. If my mental health is bleeding after spending time with someone, that is justification enough. We really do need to shed this belief that we ‘owe’ everyone and anyone an explanation for our actions. I’m not saying be a colossal asshat towards other people or act out of rage or anger. But you can draw a mental line and know your self-worth, know you are priority and we really, really do not need to give our comfort for the sake of others.

You don’t need to justify it to yourself either. If you feel uncomfortable, drained, anxious, whatever the particular breed of your mind and body saying “ENOUGH!” then that is all that is necessary to re-evaluate your stance on anything. No need for guilt or shame or feeling like the bad guy, just listen to your mind and remove the stressor.  You owe that to yourself far more than you owe a 3-hour-long internal battle about why you should go to that playgroup, you selfish cow.

I promise, the more you practise the art of flying up these boundaries, the easier it becomes and the less you will have the internal debates. You get sick of dealing with yourself and before you know it you’ll have a mental barrier up against self-berating. Soon enough you will get to the point of really not give a shit how others perceive you or your boundaries. That is their issue, not yours. Like I say, you don’t need to be a dick about it, but you also don’t need to divulge if a boundary is in place or why.

Chances are, if you are needing to place boundaries up, you have been through enough as it is. So don’t make life any harder for yourself and don’t over think it. Give yourself a break and go have a nice hot cup of tea behind that big beautiful, self-serving barrier, lovingly placed around you.

K x

My journey through postnatal depression:

Not All Mothers Love Their Baby (Well, not straight away at least) is available on Amazon.